You want the truth??

I am struggling a bit.

There I said it.

You might think I am going to go in a little rant about weight loss and so forth but that's not it either really. I have avoided this topic in a public setting and reached out to a few people and I think I am coming out of my cloud. I am not asking for anything I think I am just explaining my lengthy disappearance.

The truth is I really have been super busy with my life since before Christmas. It has been really hard to jump right back in and be the supportive force I always thought that I was for a lot of you! For that I am sorry. I blogged several times about being able to step back and say no to certain things to just try and get everything accomplished. I guess blogging was something I put in the back seat for a little while.

The weird thing is I am happy and kind of depressed all at the same time! I feel really good. I've not lost any weight since before Christmas. That pisses me off but only kinda because even though I am working out 3-4 days a week I haven't been following my own rules. Clothes feel and look good! I have loads of energy. We have had a good winter with work. If you can call it winter. It was 65 degrees here in the mountains yesterday. Makes for a really good rental winter! Last year my husband and I didn't pay ourselves most of the winter..this year we have had to pinch a little but we've paid ourselves all winter long! Score. My Stell a &Dot business is really going well! I am enjoying the hell out of being girlie and stylish and I love having a team. At Christmas I signed two girls up in England! So I feel all international and shit! (hear the sarcasm hee hee)

So whats my issue?

It is hard for me to type. Just as hard for me to say out loud. It starts like this. January first my sister and her husband got their pregnancy insurance and started trying for a baby. 2 weeks later they were pregnant.

That's it.

I feel like a huge HUGE ass for being sad about this because I am really happy for them. But I feel like my husband and I have been trying for 4 years. 2 miscarriages, 2 serious infections from said miscarriages, 1 lapband surgery, 70lbs lost, working out all the time. And they got effing pregnant in 2 weeks!!??!!!?!!?!!!

For the first week I put on a good public face. I smiled. I texted her to drink water, take a nap, don't eat this, don't eat that. I worked out on my days. But I came home every single night after work, crawled into bed, and watched the second season of Downton Abby (which was awesome BTW). My husband fed me. He fed me what I wanted to eat which was really small amounts of junk.

The second week (last week) was better. Her 30th birthday was celebrated on Saturday and my sisters husband and I planed a whole surprise weekend which I don't know about your husbands but my sisters husband is not a planner so it was down to me. Turned out fantastic. We spent the day with 12 of our girlfriends shopping, eating dessert crepes, and totally bombarding every store we went into! Saturday evening we had a band at a local coffee/wine/beer shop. Which was also fantastic. I drank loads of really good wine. Everyone was smiling. My sister was so nauseous the whole time, poor thing, but she had so much fun. Towards the end of the coffee shop evening I started to have a few of my sisters friends come up and say such wonderful things about the evening and my family and how they always have so much fun when they visit (hell ya, I am a good party planner) and then 3 different girls started saying things like:

"I know it must be so hard with all you have been through being so happy for your sister. But you know what? It will happen for you too. My friend had 6 miscarriages and now has two healthy children. Just keep trying"

In my head I am thinking 'FUCK YOU, I didn't start this conversation and I don't want to have it while I am happy" (sorry for my none cussing readers) verbally I am saying "Thank you so much! I know, we are staying positive and I am really good. Just really excited for my sister!" All while smiling.

I wave them all off and continue on with my evening. We all shuttle (thanks to my husband) in the pouring rain to the cottage that we rented. Cottage is such a small term. This place was huge. I would say there was probably 20 of us that went back there and 15 of us stayed there. Anyway. We had munchy snacks and kept drinking. Our good friend brought his guitar and sang90's songs which I am such a damn sucker for! Rock on Pearl Jam, Weezer, and Sublime..among lots of other stuff.

I am happy.

Then, and I am not kidding. I get 2 at a time. Yes 2 at a flipping time of my sisters friends WHOM I LOVE..don't get me wrong I do love em... Start in on me about my struggles and trials. Granted, I had way to much at this point but I could not handle it at any more. I started crying. And not the tears that you can mask. Not the ones where you pinch yourself and make them go away. The ones that are huge and roll down your face 12 at a time.

Why, I mean really, WHY did I have to break down like that? Leave me alone. Talk to me about jewelry or cooking..or yoga. It really is a big reason I haven't told very many people that Chris and I were trying. I pressure my self enough with out getting outside pressure as well.

I can't shake it. Just thinking about it makes me cry and although I know I am about to start my period and that plays into it quite a bit...I am just ready to be myself again. Damnit.

So this is where I am. Happy and Sad. All at once.

I turn 33 in a week. Perhaps that plays into the depression a little. Not that I think that 33 is old. But I thought I would have a family by now.

I go from being the odd man out because of my weight ..being the biggest girl in the room. To being the only friend who doesn't have kids. My best girlfriend says that she is jealous of me because we have no strings. I guess thats nice to know. Doesn't make me feel better though!