de·ter·mined /diˈtərmind/ Adjective

de·ter·mined/diˈtərmind/Adjective

1. Having made a firm decision and being resolved not to change it.

2. Processing or displaying resolve

Having been through so many other diets in my life and having some success but always ALWAYS gaining the weight back and sometimes even more, I feel cautiously optimistic at the moment.

Why do we do this? Why do we see failure before it has time to even show its ugly face? Well for me it's be cause it does in fact always show its ugly face. But I am in the frame of mind that mostly that is because of me. Now I am not saying that I don't try hard but I don't think that I follow through as well as one would like. I can be strong and work hard for even up to a year and then some how I talk myself down from my diet. "You've been so good, you can have this" or " you have been through a lot, just don't worry about your diet right now" gain~gain~gain~

When I first started to think about lap band I didn't tell a soul. This was before both pregnancies. I did a little research..yadda yadda. After my second miscarriage and started to look a little more. I told my mom I was thinking about it and instantly followed up by saying "Mom, don't bug me about this. If I decide to do it I don't want to be nagged." A little rude? Maybe. But my mom has a way of talking me into things and I wanted to be sure for myself.

Well I am sure for myself. I have read your blogs...read the websites...been through the program....and now I am banded 17 days now. I still have my doubts. I still think that even though I have lost a little under 30 lbs pre-op and post-op that perhaps that might be all. I still will not set solid goals for myself so that I don't beat myself up if I fail. I am scared that the people I have told will be disappointed in my success. But I will tell you what...I am determined with a little doubt. I am determined to make this work. I spent the money, I am putting the professional time in ( meaning the Nut and the Surgeon). I will hopefully continue to follow the rules. I will put myself on a work out schedule. I am determined to be a success. Hopefully. lol.

I do want to have kids, I want to be healthy, I want to be thin-er so I can wear cute clothes. I want to feel cute and maybe a little sexy. For all of these reasons I am Determined!

On a side note! Erin is at the beginning of this journey. She started her blog a few months back when I started mine. She is getting closer everyday to possibly being banded and I think she could use some support and encouragement. If you have a few minutes. Check her out!

Well, Well, Well! and my WORD

Hello my blogger babies! I first want to say a fantastic welcome to my new followers! Thank you for finding some thing interesting in my rambles!

Second, I have a blog follower that sent me a present for Christmas. I know you are reading and I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you! I love to cook and sending me this fabulous and interesting cookbook was a great way to get me inspired and realize that my cooking life will not be over! I am grocery shopping today!

Third! I have lost 27lbs since the beginning of September. I have lost 11lbs since my surgery on Dec. 13th. I can tell a little in my face. I am wearing a pair of cords that I haven't worn in well over a year. I have some fabulous lip stain that my sister gave me in my stocking. If you like lipstick try the loreal lip stain. I am pretty impressed! Anywho...I feel pretty good! My incision area is great! Like I always do when it comes to my skin...I reacted to the glue and am on a different antibiotic for that. But hopefully that is clearing. No pain..not really at least!

I am eating pretty normally. I did have a tiny bit to drink over the holiday considering I was locked in my parents house for 4 days! But it took me about 2 hours to drink a dirty martini! I am chewing and I can tell when I have had to much! I get some pain in my left upper shoulder area. I have a hard time figuring out when I have had to much but it basically lets me know with the pain. My Nut says after my fill I will have a better idea!

We got snowed in. My husband called at 7am Christmas morning to let me know he arrived in England. At exactly that moment it started snowing and it didn't quit for 24 hours or more. We ended up with 10 inches. Which probably to some doesn't seem like a whole lot. But for us, even though we are in the mountains, we hardly get quantity. We get ice. Well we have ICE too. But I stayed with my parents for 4 days. Last night I finally made it home. We live about a mile up a mountain and the road to get there was pretty bad but my trusty all wheel drive held me to the road thank God! When I got home my neighbors kids where sledding in my yard. Their vacation home is right next to us and they come up from Florida 2 times a year. This time they had their cousins who had never seen snow before. The joy and laughter was fantastic.

I went to bed in my own bed...slept very well and made it into work today! Swallowing a protein drink....and trying to catch up on all the blogs I missed during me house lock down!

I hope you are all well! I've missed you all and I look forward to seeing pics of your holiday!


Oh...my word for the year. I am having a hard time coming up with a word for the year! I feel very confident some of the time and then other times I feel worried that I am going to fail! That I spent all this money and time and got so many people involved and I am going to fail. What if I do? What next? I feel excited that in a year I might fit into some "normal" sizes.  I feel like for once I might have a bit of control. But I am still scared. So I think my word for this new year  will be DETERMINED.

To be continued....

~A

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Okay so I am crying at Christmas commercials, feeling nostalgic, and weepy! I thought it was because Chris leaves in a few hours. But in fact it was because my TOM arrived today! Thank goodness it was after the major recovery from surgery is over!

But I am in fact weepy cause Chris is leaving. How silly is that. For 4 years we traveled back and forth from England to Charlotte while we "dated". Who in the hell travels 8 hours on a plane to date!? We were insane. Anyway, for 4 years we both shed a lot of tears and goodbyes. And now I have him here all the time...get over yourself weepy!!!!! I am glad he is going home, I am.

I feel great girls. My incisions are flipping so itchy I wants to scratch so bad! I am worried that I will in the middle of the night. And just forget my belly button! It is driving me mad! But I have makeup on and a new necklace that my husband gave me last night! I am eating mushies and doing better on drinking liquids. I even made dinner last night. I made my bowl with half as much as I served my husband and only ate half of that. Yay!

As you guys know we are currently finishing our basement as a sitting room/craft room/exercise room for moi. It is off the garage and you walk though the storage area to get to it. Not a big deal but Chris thought we needed a door mat in front of the door (which is where door mats go in case you were confused ha ha) any way. I got one as a gift that said "We only serve expensive wine here." and at the the bottom it says "Did you bring any?" I love it. It really is a joke between my girlfriends about a particular wine that is very very good and very cheap..we buy cases of it for gifts. Awful...but it is quite tasty!

Anyway ladies..I wanted to say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you. I am shutting down all communication online for the next two days. Basically because I am going to stay at my parents tonight and tomorrow. Their computer drives me batty and my cell phone doesn't work so well at their home so I am decompressing from media. Except for movies and TV. I know I say this often but it really is amazing what you all have done for me with words, advice and found friendship that was unexpected. I have always felt blessed. Even in my darkest times...and even more so with this support. Here's to 2011 being all that we want it to be and more. Although I will see you before New Years. Have a merry few days!

~A

Have you missed me???

I am back...

Well I was never gone really. I was always watching and reading the blogs I just was using my ipad and it is really hard to type long responses and posts from the pad.

Yesterday was the first day that I put of jeans with buttons and I felt pretty good! I fixed my hair and did my face and went to work! Only for paperwork..but my intention was to be there for a couple of hours and then come home and wrap some presents! I was there for the entire day then went grocery shopping after!
I was spent!

Here are my issues that I am hoping you all can help me with:


I am not in anyway getting enough protein. This is why I asked about everyone elses diet after surgery. I am following my doctors orders but I can not get a protein shake down. Half is about all I can get in a sitting. I need meat. Seriously. The unflavored protein powder just is not breaking down like I hoped it would. I can't wait till I can have something to chew.


I am not in anyway getting enough water! I am a gulper. When I am thirsty (in the past) I take a huge glass of water and down it but I can't do that now! How do you guys get enough water in. I am seriously thinking of setting my phone alarm to remind me to sip!


Remember I have one incision and the rest are in my belly button! Yay but OH MY GOODNESS do the ones in my belly button itch and hurt at the same time! Awful. How do you clean that area with out irritating it?


So far last night was the first night I was able to sleep through with out waking up with HORRIBLE gas pains. I took a sleeping pill and I hope that the pains are subsiding and I wasn't just passed out. I have to say those pains have been nasty. You feel like you should burp and can't..the gurgling sounds my body is making are insane! But hopefully today is the start of that passing a bit. How long did the gas pains last for you?


Is it possible that I have a fill already? I can hardly eat more then a half to 3/4 of a cup at a sitting. It has taken me three meals to finish a Campbell's sipable soup! Or am I just healing? 


I heard someone mention about hiccups...I get these half hiccups and half burps several times a day. I read some where that your stomach is spasming a bit trying to get used to the "new" tool inside. Did you guys get these? Will they go away? Because it makes me feel like I am swallowing air. I need no more air in my body!



My husband leaves on Friday (yes Christmas eve) for two weeks. I will be spending Christmas eve and day with my mom and dad. New Years I haven't planned anything yet. My parents have a lovely party at our cabin..you might remember my showing pictures of the place in one of my first posts. They have a HUGE bonfire. I could go to that. I've been invited to travel to Charlotte...but honestly I hate to be a party pooper but if I can't enjoy some cocktails and I am not with Chris then I kinda am good with watching movies at home. We'll see

The weekend after New Years I am hosting (yes I am insane) a birthday party for my dear friend Robin. Her birthday is on New Years day and we never get to celebrate it with her because we are always hung over! So this year I am doing it! My Doc said I could have a glass of wine..if I am careful and I am going to make some things that I can eat too. Robin, who also is the mother of my God Daughter, the dietitian, the size 2 beauty queen, and one of my dearest friends, came by on Friday and brought me my Christmas gift from my God Daughter. Now the rules this year set by ME consisted of only Christmas pressies for the kids. All my dear friends have kids and I can't buy for everyone so just kids. Which also means nothing for me. I made sure they all got this loud and clear! So here comes Robin with a gift for me. Damnit. She says it's from Bailey not her. Yah right. Bailey is 1.5 and the only money she has comes from her college fund that Chris and I set up! So what? I bought myself a gift! lol! Anyway....

it's for a weekend away just Robin and me in Feb. We have a condo with a hot tub, we are going to scrapbook, and shop and sleep in our own king sized beds away from husbands, dogs, and children!

I am blown away! I mean that is the best present and it is so so kind and I am so so so excited I can hardly stand it.

Chris finished my desk for my craft room. a 5 x 8 ft desk with shelves for all my "stuff". Our A/C friend is coming to duct the heating and air so the room can be warm! And out electrician friend will come do the lighting soon. So Merry Christmas to me! I can't wait to organize it. We have a few more things to get ready down there but honestly it will all go quick now.

Okay so I am babbling now. Sorry. It has just been so long since I have typed. I am actually at my desk which I have avoided for a week.

Give me some advice people! Am I feeling normal?


Wowser.


PS...Thank You 1 million times over for all the emails, posts, well wishes and thoughts over the last week. Words can not express what it means! I talked about you all week. My husband probably feels like he knows some of you pretty well now. Just know your words are appreciated!

Surgery..7:30 pm on Monday the 13th

I am not going to type much because I have had better days. But I wanted to say thank you so very much for the well wishes and comments. I got to the hospital at 11am on Monday and because of the weather I waited in the paper gown until 7:30pm to be put under. My surgery took about 30 minutes with one incision (yes) but I did not do well with being put under and was in recovery until midnight. The weather was awful and the wind was blowing at -11 getting me into the car. Needless to say we stayed in the hotel another night. We got home yesterday afternoon. I am very very sore and broke down and took Tramadol twice last night. I was scared to take anything because I get so nauseous with most meds. Gas x seems to be helping. Trying to eat jello, broth, and water. I have a high threshold for pain but this has been a little more then I expected.

Any advice is greatly appreciated. When did you guys start full liquids? When did you all start to feel better? Were you sore for very long?

My husband has been so so wonderful. He deserves such a treat! Thanks again everyone.

24 hours before surgery. 30 hours before surgery.34 hours before surgery!

So I have been given three possible surgical times for tomorrow! Basically the morning one is out. My time says STILL 5:30 at night. But the coordinator says "be there by 11 and I think we can get you in by 1"

Are you effin insane? So you can't even give me a time? My husband will sit in the hospital for hours just waiting to wait. Not for anything in particular?! What? My husband of course is a dear and will wait no matter what and I will do what ever needs to be done to in fact be banded tomorrow. But still.

To top it all off everyone, we are under a winter advisory. Freezing rain and sleet today, ice and snow tonight, up to 4 inches of snow tomorrow and below freezing temps tomorrow night with more snow. So I thought today was going to be a clean up my house day pack some stuff up, sleep in tomorrow and away we go. Now it looks like we are going to make the trek over the mountains today and possibly stay two nights in a hotel. Before and after surgery.

I really really didn't want to be in a hotel after surgery. I wanted to be home in the comfort of my own house. Boooo.

So I guess when I am through typing I'll start cleaning up a bit. Might even have some clear broth or jello!

On a side note. Last night was the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party. It really was fun. Some people had some really ugly outfits! Mine was kinda cute. I had a gold garland headband. It was really hard not to eat the cheese and crackers and the garnet martinis. Didn't care about the candy or cupcakes or chips! I want the cheese and alcohol.

My mother and sister have gone to town making broths and basis for soups for the next couple of weeks. My mom brought over a huge hot of homemade beef broth and is working on chicken today! She roasts, the boils, and strains and let me tell you when you have had something made with this broth you will love it! My sister has made some thai concentrated broth. Chicken broth, ginger, lemongrass, chilis, coconut milk etc. A really good base for any soup really even butternut squash soup. It isn't clear so I won't be having that today. So my freezer is stocked.

I went to my first Doctor appointment on 8-30-2010. Basically 3 months and 13 days later I am being banded. I was told possibly 6 months and not earlier then 4. So I am feeling pretty good about this process. It has been smooth. I hesitate to say easy or simple. But I just am glad it is finally here. I am ready for last night to be my last holiday party of cringing at nearly all the photos of me. Of wearing things that swallow me so that you may not see my belly.

On 8-30-2010 I weighed 249.2 lbs in the office... today I weigh 233.4.

15.8 lbs gone. I wish it was more during this liquid stage. I really thought I would get to 230. But I honestly think it has been the sodium in the soups I have been eating.

If I could continue this up I would be proud of myself but I know if I don't have this surgery I will gain it back. I have done it before.

So this is it. Unless the weather takes a turn for the better then this will be my last post. Thanks guys, for everything!

If I am honest...

 If I am honest ladies and gents I would say that I am a little nervous about my up coming surgery. But that is only if I am 100% honest!

The reason I say this... is in my thoughts I am not nervous. I am actually looking forward to this. It is what I want..I've researched and planned and the liquid diet has been okay.

But outwardly I am in an awful mood. I am tired (I've been getting all my protein in) and lethargic and a little bit hungry for something I can chew on. Like cereal. I hate cereal but I'd love a bowl of it. 

I have no Christmas spirit. I am loving all the pictures everyone is posting of their houses and trees! I have even decorated my house a bit. I am not depressed really I just can't seem to get into the spirit of things. I am hoping it will come!

My surgery was scheduled for 9 am on Monday morning but for what ever reason they are having scheduling conflicts and it was possibly going to be at 5:30 at night! I mean WHAT? 5:30 at night?? Not only does that mean 2 full days of clear broth and liquids but it means that we would be driving back 1.5 hours late at night in the middle of the winter. Of course the option to stay in Asheville is there and perhaps that is a good idea but I'd rather stay there the night before surgery then the night after surgery. Plus I really don't want to pay for a hotel.. I just got finished paying the deposit fee for the surgeon and various other doctors visits so I'd rather not shell out any more money!

To top it all off the weather on Sunday and Monday is supposed to be bad so I am thinking if we can go on Sunday, stay the night, then drive home during the day light on Monday that would be ideal! The scheduling lady is working on it for me! She is rearranging and trying to get me earlier. She agrees that it would be better to be at home after surgery just for comfort sake. So hopefully that will happen!

I have been reading everyones posts and I have been commenting a little..but not much! I just want you all to know I am still reading but I am having a hard time coming up with things to say. This happens when I am not in a good frame of mind. So don't worry. I am still here ready to pat you on the back and pick you up when you are down I am just not being as vocal at the moment!

Take a moment to send warm and comforting thoughts and prayers to another blogger please. Heather is having a very rough go of it and although we here in the blogging world can only give her words and thoughts I still think it is important that she know we're thinking of her. I said this on facebook the other day after the funeral of a long time family friend... Go home and kiss your family members and tell them you love them.

Till next time  ~A

I had total intention of....

Posting a few Christmas pictures like Linda suggested but today has been a long and sad day.

We had a long time family friend pass away today! He has been struggling with cancer and congestive heart failure for a long time now and finally is resting comfortably. He was my parents age (late 50's) has a 17 year old son and a loving wife. They hosted our couples shower when we got married...they couldn't get pregnant and waited a long time for their one son and are so proud of him.

Diane, his wife, was sitting in bed with him having a cup of coffee when he faded away. What a peaceful moment. But I'm so sad.

So that left us with such a sour day at work. It is rare, very rare that my husband has a bad day but today was it. We both came home, put lounging clothes on and I made dinner.

So I think I will post pictures another day. I am good though. I have lost 3 more lbs. And I am not hungry. Looking forward to a week from today. Well honestly I am looking forward to about a month from today. Hopefully I will be feeling better and finished with bandster hell and on the path of new things!

Hope you all have had a better Monday!

Barium oh Barium, where for art thou, barium....

Where ever you are...you can stay there!

The whole situation was okay really.  It didn't taste that bad but having to gulp it down, I almost retched. Sorry. But it is true.

Yesterday was a bit of a stress. I got up and left early for the lab work, chest xray and barium swallow. Remember ladies, it is an hour and some away. Well as soon as I got to Asheville I got stuck in traffic. Bumper to bumper! I gave myself 45min before my appointment and was still late! Then I forgot my directions. No problem I know where the hospital is..just go until you find the building! Sounds easy enough..NOPE. They are doing some much construction that I ended up in 4 different buildings before I found it! The lab work went well. Only one stab from a completely un-interested lab tech. Then off to the x-ray and swallow. Remember that I am fasting at this point for the lab work..my swallow was right after that so no time to eat. I had some water and away I went. My PA for the swallow was fantastic. Explained everything and showed me the pictures. The barium itself was so flipping heavy. I was thinking that when I got home I would be a lb more then when I left..but nope. Strange.

After the swallow (about 1) I was in no way hungry at all. I didn't want anything to eat or drink. I take that back. I wanted french fries..but not pureed ones. I didn't manage to eat anything until about 5. So protein was neglected yesterday.

Ladies I am doing so well. The first day was the worst. I am getting my protein in by drinks! I even have found that I like the chocolate ones with a little splash of peppermint mocha coffee mate. I am struggling on the water drinking. But trying to get better! Plus I am past my goal weight for pre surg. For 2 days I have been there but I wanted to make sure. So now I am on my way to really losing. About 15lbs now. Proud but I also know that if I wasn't going to be banded in NINE DAYS that I would gain that weight back. I know I would!

My husband is doing well at feeding himself. I'm worried about him. He is worried about this surgery. He says he is really proud of me and how well I am doing with the "rules" but he is scared about me going under. I am so totally not. I just hope that is really all it is. I think he feels a little guilty for leaving me on Christmas to go home but I am okay with it. He wants to be here to take care of me but that will be 11 days after surgery and I think I will be just fine! Plus i have my mom and sister! He is a worrier. I love him dearly.

Linda suggested we all post pictures or a song clip from the weekend to put us in the Christmas spirit. I think I will. I am not full of Christmas Spirit yet. Not unhappy either. Just focusing on the surgery and how excited to know that my life is going to change for the better! But I do want to enjoy the holiday. Next weekend we are invited to an "Ugly Sweater" party at my best friends! They can be Christmas types or just plain ugly sweaters. This will be 2 days before my surgery and I will be surrounded by people who love me but do not know. So I have decided to make yummy flavorful soup to add to the food so no one will be suspicious and no martinis for me. Sad. But doable.

Well I guess I have babbles enough! Hope you all are well and I look forward to seeing your Christmasy pictures!

Ohh and I am still loving buttermilk! Not so much the unflavored protein. I can't seem to get it to dissolve correctly. Gaak. Sorry LDswims I'll keep trying though! I really thought that the unflavored was going to be for me. Love Love LOVING Click powder and then just the regular old chocolate from walmart brand. The key for me is to blend it with my hand mixer!

Until later ~A

The continuing story of a two week liquid diet!

Good morning ladies! Good morning to all my new followers too! I saw the other day that I have just passed 70 followers. Wow! Thanks guys. I can not tell you how good it is to all this support. Especially when I am down or hungry you guys are always so quick to pick me up!

70 is a good number in my mind because that is my "goal" weight to lose. The first goal that is. That will get me to 165. Then from there we shall see! Hell if I can get under 200 I would be thrilled!  I haven't seen anything below 200 in a very long time!

So as far as my diet goes..DAY 3. Yesterday was much better then the first and today so far seems to be okay as well! Jello pudding temptations are fabulous and other then that I am sticking to soups! I had a pretty good one last night. Chicken enchilada soup that another bandster suggested. The down side is that it is FULL of sodium. I mean way more then I normally have. But I am careful the rest of the day!

I just got my Click powder and my Isopure unflavored in minutes ago. So I suppose those are next to try! I also got 70 g of protein yesterday which was much more then on day one.
Want to know something that has really helped me?? Buttermilk. It is an acquired taste for sure. Not everyone will like it but for me it was something to drink fairly quick like. It was not chalky and vitaminy like protein and it was quick..I didn't have to mix it up. It has 90 cals for 8oz and either 9 or 10 g of protein. SO it was a good filler during the day! Shockingly enough I really enjoyed it and even had a second glass later in the evening!

Tomorrow I do infact have a barium swallow and a chest xray. I figured I would but I was hoping to avoid going back to Asheville before surgery. But off I go tomorrow. I have lab work first (fasting) and then the swallow. The best thing for me to about going to Asheville for these  appointments is having lunch at a nice place! Being that I am on all liquids I can't really do that. I can think of no place that I would want to go an just have soup. So I am packing my thermos. Tomato basil I think. But what I want is PF Changs. :)

I want to thank you all again. These comments and encouraging words, pats on the back, suggestions, and concerns...they really mean a lot. So Cheers to you all (holding up my V-8)