I am about to admit some things in my blog today that I will not tell anyone except my husband. I am pulling back up from being very, very down yesterday. I am so disappointed in myself and I can't seem to get over it. I mean today is better but my mind is just wandering back to the negative.
Monday I had three appointments. 1. with the doctor (3 of 4 before I meet with the surgeon) 2. a nutrition class (what a waste) 3. to get my sleep study results.
So right off the bat with the doctor he notices I've lost a few more lbs. Yay me. He pulls out my lab work that I had last Friday. My thyroid is okay, blood pressure is good, my cholesterol is a little high, and my fasting blood sugar is 105 a little high, my H1C is high too.
What does that mean? Diabetes. But because my fasting is not far off from "normal" and my H1C is testing over a three month time he thinks that already I am lowering it with diet and exercise. He puts me on the lowest dose of Metformin and tells me to check my blood sugar maybe twice a week. Seems minor enough I suppose.
He isn't concerned with my cholesterol. He thinks that will come down.
He thinks that the trauma my body has been in with infections and miscarriages for the last 4 months could also be causing my sugars to be elevated but that even with a tiny bit of weight loss we can already see a change. Bottom line, I'm over weight, and that is prime breeding ground for diabetes.
I leave there and head to the nutrition class. I don't think I will comment much on it. I know why I have to have it. The people who were in the class with me really got a lot from it. To me it was just an hour waster. The next class will be on diet after surgery. That I think will be very interesting.
Then comes the sleep study results. I'll cut to the chase. I have mild sleep apnea. I had 11 episodes where I woke up. 3 of which I remember. I knew I was leaving with a machine. BUT he gave me the choice. Try the nasal strips, sleep on my side, with my head elevated or be fitted for a machine. I chose the nasal strips.
Ultimately he thinks being that I am over weight that when I lose the weight it will really help.
So to re-cap. Nothing so serious that I have to panic ( but I am). But in the last month (2 months since I started the lapband journey) I have come to realize or be diagnosed with:
1. Obesity
2. an Eating Disorder
3. high cholesterol
4. pre-diabetes
5. sleep apnea
all related to being fat.
I am depressed. I know that I am making better choices. I know that I am having this surgery for my health but damnit I am 31 years old and I let myself get this way? I seriously can't even utter the words to my family or friends. I am embarrassed. I just balled last night in bed with my husband. All I can think about is that perhaps my blood sugar has been out of whack and that's what caused 2 miscarriages.
This is all a direct result of over indulging.
Chris gets out the iPad, types in diabetes after lapband. Page after page of people who are either off meds now or really close. I at least stop crying.
This surgery will be the best thing for me but I really thought I was starting this process before any of the MAJOR health issues started.
I am just really down guys and I don't know how to get out of this funk.
14 comments:
Hugs, Amanda. I had a huge pity party for myself when I finally accepted/realized that I had walked around 200+ lbs overweight and pretended I "just needed to lose a few lbs".
The good news is you ARE doing something about it. You are strong and capable and most importantly, admitting that you need some help. That's the hardest part, at least it was for me. It's brave to admit that this weight thing is bigger than we can handle. And your bravery will be rewarded - with good health and a strong, lean body.
Hang in there!
Oh sweetie, I know that it's a horrible shock even though you know what's probably coming. I'm sure that the point is being laboured even more than usual to support your lap band surgery claim from your insurance (maybe any way)
You're taking steps to make yourself better and you're going to do just great.
This is a blip, you'll be just fine, promise x
Focus on the awesome decision that you have made to change your life forever! This was the hardest part for me and I have been where you are. You will get through it. I am thinking about you!
So sorry that you are feeling so low. I relate the "snapping out of it" phenomenon. My advice: stay focused, stop torturing yourself, and remember that we all are here for you!
xoxo
Hey my friend.. I am with you every step of the way - I too am finding these things out, and it hurts.. We blame ourselves.. I cried big tears when they delivered my CRAP.. High blood sugar brought back tears and fears of what my Mother went through - but we ARE doing something. Something that will make us healthier. Something that will help us so that these warning flags don't get worse in the future.
Please know that I am proud that you're doing something about your health. We are ALL proud of you - and pushing you on - just as you encourage and push us onward..
Smile today.. A real smile. You are a terrific woman who is stepping away from habits that hurt you, and stepping toward the best you can be.
A lot of us know where you are coming from. This process is by no means easy. *HUGS*
It will get better, hun.
Amanda, I was a recently diagnosed <2 years diabetic when I got my lapband. 3 days (you are reading that right) after I got my band my blood sugars went completely normal. My diabetes is gone and my PCP said that labs show no signs that I had diabetes after 4 months! I was taking 3 prescriptions a day for cholesterol, high blood pressure and diabetes. I take nothing now. I wanted to tell you my story because we all have reasons for doing this. If anything for you, this diagnosis only makes you recognize more fully why you are doing this. Plus it could help on insurance approval (just a thought :) ) With determination on your part, you will rock the band and all of this will be a distant memory within the next year!
Amanda, I want to just give you a big hug and tell you that you did not "let" yourself get like this! I just wrote a blog about another person I'd read about who was beating herself up and feeling the same way. I wrote the post to say that THERE IS HOPE! I have lost 90 lbs. in just over 8 months. Diets make the problem worse. Everything we have been taught about weight loss and what we need to do actually makes the problem WORSE. So please stop punishing yourself. You ARE ACTUALLY doing the very best thing to fix this problem. You will be 32 and thin and healthy and obesity and diabetes and eating disorders will be a distant memory.
I know it's difficult to face, but facing it you are. Be proud of yourself that you are not burying your head in the sand. You are fighting for your health and that's what is important.
Just want to offer some support. Like the other ladies have said, it's hard to look this stuff in the face but you're doing it. You're taking steps to fix these things and that's brave and commendable! You'll overcome all this. If anything, it should just reaffirm your decision. Hang in there. If you need to vent outside the blog, email me... I think I'm clickable
Amanda - don't be ashamed, be proud that you are taking steps to turn it around. I was diagnosed with type diabetes in June 08 and that's what pushed me to get this weight off and get the band. It's the best thing I've done for myself. Today I'm 2 more normal blood tests from being officially declared in remission.
I wish I had done it at 31 not 37, but we all need to get to the place that pushes to seek good health.
We're all here for you.
I know things look bleak right now but here's the good news...you're moving in the right direction.
I know you'd like to fast forward to a year from now but that's not possible. Just keep reminding yourself that we are all here for you and you WILL be successful in this journey.
I'm so sorry you're in a funk and all that news definitely sucks. But man, you are so doing the right things now! Stand up and be proud of where you're going. Someone above commented that those diagnosis will all help with insurance - that's a silver lining. You've made a big hard decision and it wasn't easy - it forces us to take a long hard real look at ourselves ant that's never easy. AND you blogged about how you are feeling - you should be proud of that too. Keep talking and we'll do our best to keep supporting you!!
Last year, July of 2009, I was diagnosed with Diabetes, High-Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, and already had Acid Reflux and Sleep Apnea... I was floored, since I was the healthy fat girl most of my adult life... and I got banded in March 2010. I stopped all meds when I was banded. I had blood tests every 3 months since and my A1C was 5.5 and then 5.4(both non-diabetic range)... no more high blood pressure and my cholesterol is controlled without meds... I also have no acid reflux and my sleep apnea is almost completely gone... It's been almost 7 months since my surgery... i've lost 92 pounds of my very high starting weight and I feel great! You are on your way to complete health... Congrats! Email me if you want to talk. *Maria*-Blogger from "This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at mybigfatbandgeeklife.blogspot.com
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