The World is a Vampire...

It can suck the life right out of you. And yes I was one of those teenagers that loved The Smashing Pumpkins.


Sometimes I am shy. I was really worried about going to Chicago and meeting everyone but it is really strange because I am one of the most social girls in the world. I am not shy in my every day life. I openly have to make contact with people day to day for work purposes, networking, smooozing if you will. I've always had plenty of friends...the good kind not the draining kind. I like having good people around me and I am as kind as I can be to people MOST of the time. I know that I am lucky and I swear to the Gods of jewelry that I am not one of those people that is happy go lucky all the time and everything is cotton candy and rainbows. But I really do try and see the "good" in situations..or I don't let myself be down for too long. It is a positive thing I admit. I might drive some people bananas. Sorry in advance.

My mom and I were talking over the weekend and I mentioned something about being happy with myself. Content. I told her I felt lucky that I wasn't shifting my food and weight issues into something else like alcohol or depression. She said to me "Amanda, you have never had an issue being yourself and being happy with yourself. You are the same person you have always been."

She's right. And it was a very good thing to hear. Thanks mom.

I am lucky because I know a lot of people still have self esteem issues -100lbs later OR they have become obsessed with *instert something*. A lot of people think if they could just lose the weight  then I would be happy. If I could just break up with that guy then I would be happy. If I would stop spending money I could be happy. If they could just SOMETHING...they would be happy.

I guess what I am getting at, other then being extreamly happy with who I am on the inside (and sometimes that person is a mega bitch) is that you need to find some inner peace people. Yes weightloss surgery has been so damn helpful in a lot of ways but find joy in what you have accomplished rather then feeling that your never doing good enough. This race is to better our health and to look better in a bathing suit or a dress. It isn't something to make us feel worse. So when you falter and fail be down for a moment then chin the eff up and work on that next goal. Life is too short to let the things that we can't change affect us so damn much.

One last note...

My girlfriend is going through a nasty divorce. Nasty really isn't right because other then the emotional torment (which is just as nasty) it is pretty civil. Anyway  her wedding anniversary would have been on thrusday. She knows that she is better off without the cheater and liar. She knows that in the end she will be happier. But she is just plain sad this week!. Her thariapist is fantastic and helpful and we seem to agree a lot and say the same sorts of things (maybe I am in the wrong profession)..My girlfriend feels guilty about being sad..she feels guilty that she still lets HIM control her emotions even though he is completly gone. She questions all the time 'Why am I not just fine with the way things are and why am I so emotional?"

Well my answer is this.

You can not control your emotions and you are allowed to feel what ever it is you feel. If you are mad then be mad. If you are sad then cry. There is NO time frame rule book for how long you can have your emotional down time.

But what you can control is how it affects your daily life. You can choose to get back on the horse and you can choose to be the best person you can be. Be sad, be mad, but keep on fighting.

I am no therapist but I fully recommend to people all the time to recognize your self sabatoging behavior and talk to someone. Find someone that can help you become the best you can be. Be happy, ya'll. We only have one life. Don't let the negative affect the greater good!


Until next time my little Schizanthus,

                                                                                                                         ...choose to be good to yourselves!