I have not calorie counted once since the first day I said I was starting. Damnit.
I swear I will start back on Tuesday. Holiday weekend and such. Bad Amanda...bad, bad, Amanda.
I had a little break down on Saturday. Strange really. I have been such an emotional wreck these last few months. But never do I have breakdowns about my weight. Not ones where I am balling.
I was on facebook and my friend Kathryn posted pictures of her baby shower which I hosted! This was a very successful party. A couples shower with about 55 people. It was magazine worthy if I do say so myself. Beautiful garden flowers, tents, white table cloths, good food, and fabulous cupcakes, beautiful location. Just a success! I felt so good from all the compliments! Back to the pictures...I was clicking through them and I found the one picture of the two of us (me and Kat) and I freaking look awful. I look pregnant and slumpy. My dress which I thought was flattering and beautiful, looked like a mu mu! My instant reaction was to cry. And I did. And I didn't stop. I was thinking that when I look at myself in the mirror that I don't see the same thing everyone else sees. I don't see this large girl. I see a big girl with curves but a not so bad figure (for a big girl). Then I started to think of the fact that I do not have one picture with my friend during her whole pregnancy, or one picture with my sister, or my God Daughters 1st birthday that I actually like! Can you say melt down!?
In a way I think it was emotions about the upcoming surgery (still months away ha). I think I allowed myself to get a little emotional about it. I've been so excited and so looking forward to the day that I have successes. But then I start to worry about failing. Therefore a melt down. Thank goodness for my husband to comfort me.
She took the picture down, btw!
Beyond the 40 min cry my long weekend has been really nice! We were going to go camping but ended up staying home and getting projects done around the house. I've cleaned and organized closets. My husband has finished up the last detail on the bathroom we remodeled. We took a hike yesterday in the cool mountain morning! Today we will be heading over to my parents for dinner. Oh and best of all we have been able to sleep in almost every morning! Sleeping in to me is anything past 7 a.m.!
Hope you all have had a good weekend!
7 comments:
Sorry to hear about your emotional meltdown... You words sound all too familiar. I often think these thing about myself, I finally think I found the perfect outfit to "flatter" my figure/curves... then I see a pic and freakin flip out!!! Good thing we are working on changing that for ourselves!!
Hey Amanda! What a grand event that sounded like! - great job!! And I have those meltdown moments too.. You're not alone. We had an important event for our church, I dressed up in what I thought was an incredible outfit - until I saw pictures.. Oh mercy.. was that pregnant woman ME??? I cried and cried.. Shortly after is when I decided to do something about it and began looking into WLS.. We ARE doing something and that is what matters. I look at those pictures now (still breaks my heart) and that is what keeps me focused. We're going to do this come hell or high water! So get your water wings on - we're going for a SWIM!
Very shortly my dear, you are going to LOVE the way you look. I think the waiting period before surgery is the window of time where we finally let ourselves actually see what we look like and not the fantasy image we have of ourselves. Time to get real. I was in denial about my weight for years. Trust me, after surgery you'll be ASKING people to take photos of you. (So you can put them on your blog!) You'll love it - it's a great feeling.
I think that we've all been there, try and take some comfort in the fact that you've made your decision, you're doing something about it and pretty soon you'll be feeling great.
Your baby shower sounds amazing, its my son's 3rd birthday party on Saturday, do you think you can remotely manage that for me?
Thanks for your comments on my last blog entry, I'm still feeling bruised.
It is rare to look at pictures of myself without cringing. Now I just think they are great "before" pictures.
Like the rest of us, I can totally emphathize. I hate Facebook in some ways because their seems to be this host of pictures that, to me, look like a sad balloon of a woman when I don't think of myself in that way. Even if I untag myself (which I always do) that horrible woman is still out there taunting me from the internet. From now on I am going to take Bonnie's advice and think of them as "before" pics.
BTW - Congrats on putting on a great shower. I think THAT is a great reminder that you are not defined by a bad picture but by all your fabulous works.
The cry is only normal. You seem to be doing quite a bit. SN: I would love to see pics of that shower because it sounds beautiful.
I went through the wondering if i will fail thing too. I think we all have. You will be fine. When it comes to pics I have convienced myself that thats not really me because the camera adds 10lbs. Hey it seems to work, LOL!!
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