How can it go from 238.3 or even 239.1 to 241.5??
And why are my enemies messing with me?? This is not acceptable. But I have to accept it and find a new place for my scale in hopes that maybe the floor is sinking on one side and causing miscalculations. If that is the case then I've got much worse problems in my house then my scale being off a few lbs.
Yesterday was my Psych evaluation. It was interesting to say the very very least. She was a very nice lady and she agreed that the tests they make her administer were pretty much uncalled for. She did agree some of the test were needed but not all!
I was very mentally drained by the end of it. There was a 370 question test at the end that asked insane questions like "If you are a boy, did you ever dress up like a girl?" "Do you think people are out to get you?" "Do you ever hear voices telling you what to do?" While these are valuable questions for someone, they are not for me who is wanting weight loss surgery. But I guess I must.
By the end of the day...almost 5 hours worth of testing...I got a label. I am struggling with this just a bit. She labeled me as having an Eating Disorder.
So not only am I obese, a word I hate saying, but I have an eating disorder. I don't want that stigma and I reject it. The reason I have a label besides the insurance needed it per say is that I told her after being prompted that I don't have an internal trigger that tells me I am full. I typically feel full when it is to late. Not always, not every meal, but often.
So there you have it. I am still as flawed as I ever was, just now labeled!
She says she is not worried. That never has anyone she has had these sessions with..ever not have the surgery. So I guess that is good news.
Today I started the gym. I worked out 20 minutes and then left. Not much I know but I have an appointment with the trainer and they don't like you to start using most of the equipment until you have been orientated. So right after fasting, giving blood samples for said fast, and breakfast I will have a training session.
Two things to admit:
On Saturday I took a long bubble bath. It was lovely. I took the iPad in with me, set it up on the toilet lid and watched 'The Middle' and 'Modern Family'. That is pure happiness and joy. I loved it. I will do it again. My husband calls it my new best friend. The iPad that is.
second: I am feeling a little miffed, sad, and well something else I suppose. It is sad and a little pointless and a tiny bit selfish. But I want to admit it here and then throw it away. I got invited to a Mommy and Me yoga get together on Thursday. My girlfriend Robin and my God daughter...invited three of my friends (2 of which I'd consider best friends) to a yoga/dinner baby parade. They all have new babies under 7 months old. I was also invited. I am not a mommy nor do I have a me. I am bitter about this because by now I would have had two me's. I don't blame them for wanting me to come (i am in fact awesome, I kid, I kid)..and I am sure they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I feel sad because I am not part of that club.
I know that one day I will be. Or one day I might be. I also know that I have a really full and happy life. But it is stinging at my heart. I admit it to you and now I will try and get over it.
Now to brighten your day I hope: I want to show you a couple of pictures my husband took this past weekend on his back packing trip. We live in such a beautiful place and this time of year is amazing!
Happy Tuesday, Ya'll
~A
 |
my handsome husband and our dog with evil eyes! She looks so tiny. But he is 6ft6.5!  |
8 comments:
I know your pain! I did not have to take any tests besides a blood test since I paid cash for my surgery but I KNOW, without a doubt, that I have an eating disorder too. In fact, though I may be smaller than the average bandster to begin with I may be more mentally fat than the average too. I have the same full trigger issues and I am a binge-eater. So there ya have it. It sucks but we gotta live with it.
Just keep telling yourself. "This is going to happen. I will have surgery!"
Also, the camping pics are fabulously gorgeous!
What lovely pictures! I just love autumn pictures!! And, don't fret about the "label" thing - if that is the criteria for labeling, I'm with you, Sister - many of us are - which is why we're all doing something to help ourselves.. Screw the "label" - it's just another "word".. Use it as another tool to help you reach your goal - a happier, healthier YOU...
I think your friends were just hoping to include you in the festivities, and had no intention of hurting you (although it does...) If you're not feeling good about it, perhaps you might say that you're busy that day - and go out and enjoy the leaves with the Hubs, or take another one of those scrumptios bubble baths! Try one with a martini, candles, and the Hubs next time! ipad plays music too!! ;)
Have a wonderful day, my Friend - and remember to smile - it makes folks wonder what you're doing!
The pics are beautiful!
Oh lovely, your feelings aren't pointless at all, its completely understandable and it must be really hard. You obviously are fantastic for your friends to want you there, what good judges of character they are!
Your husband is gorgeous, us Yorkshire people are very attractive!
Beautiful pictures!
Sorry about the eating disorder label. Really all that means is that we don't eat like a "normal" person (whatever that is). We could have told them THAT!
And the babies...sigh...that is hard. If you have the desire to be a mother in your heart, I believe you will find a way to make that happen. Sometimes it doesn't happen the way we want or the way we hope. Sometimes we become foster mothers or adoptive mothers or mothers of a baby made after fertility treatment or a special "mother" figure to a beloved niece or neighbor.
I definitely think we are all eating "disordered" or we wouldn't be here in the first place. So you're in good company! :) Take heart that you are doing something to take control of those feelings and choosing to live healthily. Also, those pics are absolutely gorgeous! Makes me want to get outdoors! Love the fall.
Hey Lady! How were those martinis with your friend?? And how is the baby doing?? I am so glad you were able to get together for drinks - wish I were there, too! I am sure it was so good for the "Mum" too - to be out with friends and enjoying herself!!
Thanks for following my blog...I think it is good that you are able to share the things that hurt you. Regarding the "eating disorder". I think they need to prescribe some diagnosis in order to qualify you for surgery. Its all part of a process that is going to make you healthier. Have a wonderful day!
Post a Comment