That is what I weight this morning! I am happy about it even though I have been bouncing between those numbers for at least a week or more. This week has been a struggle. I eat little and still I kept seeing 204-205. I kept telling myself it was hormonal..but towards the end of my week I was starting to thinking that I was kidding myself! THEN 202.2 and that was the high number of my 50 times stepping on the scale. So I am feeling better!
Just want to get below 200 and see what life does for ya! Throws you some curves in just to keep ya hopping!
~
I've been blue this week. I mean not depressed really just contemplative. I've always wanted to have kids. I wanted them early in life...well my plan was to have them early in life. But of course life chooses its own path a little. Then I get pregnant, twice, and miscarry, twice.
I have a great husband, a great family, a fabulous dog. I have a God Daughter and my other best friend has a baby boy (so I get my baby fills). I am busy. My life is good. I've lost nearly 50 lbs and I am happy. Really, really happy. So do I even want to complicate things with a baby?! *don't shoot me I am just being honest*
Do I want my life to be turned upside down and feel the stresses like my girl friends feel right now trying to work out, trying to do laundry, trying to sleep...? But in the end i know they love it and wouldn't change it.
I've had some very candid talks with Chris this week. Do you want a baby? Aren't we happy with the way things are? What are we going to do with work if we have a baby?? Can we afford to hire someone to help you? I just decorated our third bedroom as a sitting room..(selfish me)
His answers have been honest and so have mine.
I think I will try and get to 175...in 27 lbs. Maybe sooner we shall see. My ultimate goal is to get to 150-155. But if I can get another 25 gone then it won't seem so far off!
Another issue: my sister. It has come to my attention that my lovely little sister who has just graduated with her 2nd degree for nursing is hesitant to start trying for a baby because of me. She doesn't want to hurt my feelings. Girls...I am not one of those ladies. I understand feeling hurt but life goes on and I would never want her to wait for me. That is just silly!
But how to I brooch the subject with her? She told my mother and my best friend in confidence. Do I drop hints? I just don't know!
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I got my plane tickets and our hotel reservations for Chicago! Whhhooooohooooo! So excited. I am ready to go right now! I will be arriving on Thursday and heading out on Sunday! I want to meet you all!
At the same time I am nervous too. It's like the first day of high school. What do I say? Will they like me? Ya know how it feels! But I am so excited!
13 comments:
We're all gonna love you in Chicago! We're all kinda like best friends that have never met! (Well, some of us have, others not so much.)
I would tell your sister how you feel, nothing but good can come from honest conversations as you just experienced with your hubby. :)
Ahhhhh…baby blues. I am so familiar with them.
I’m going to be 100% honest with you and I hope you don’t take offense because I adore you and I think we are in a very similar place with our baby blues.
For me, I know that when I have doubts of having a baby it is because I am scared. Now I had trouble getting pregnant whereas you had the two miscarriages which I can’t even imagine how painful that was, I just know about my pain. So what I’m saying is…do you think you doubt wanting to have a baby because you are scared and don’t want to go through that potential pain again? I go through phases where I decide we don’t have enough money, I haven’t lost enough weight or I actually sabotage myself with my eating so I don’t reach my weight goal so we can start trying again because I’m scared.
I don’t know exactly how you are feeling so feel free to ignore what I said. *hugs*
As far as your sister goes, just tell her how you feel. She’ll appreciate it and it will make you feel better.
Amanda you are such a beautiful person. This entire post made me smile. I love your honesty.
As for the sister, I would just tell her honestly (we all know women talk to each other so she shouldn't be that shocked that they told you) that you think she'd be a fantastic mom and you'd be thrilled to be an auntie.
You were just nominated on my blog for a makeover! By the lovely Lesile. I'm excited for you - this is going to be a fun contest. Thank you for your nomination too!
Big Hugs,
Jen
Amanda, I was gonna say what Leslie said. But she said it, so I won't.
So I'll only add one thing. Do children complicate things? Yes, but so does a dog. Anything awesome and worth having in life---can complicate things. Such as getting a pet, going to college, or having a baby. Some roads are more complicated, but they can be well worth traveling down.
And God bless your sister. She is so sweet to be concerned about your feelings. You are so blessed to have someone like her for a sis. (As she is to have you). I'm with Jen--say you can't wait to be Auntie Amanda.
My husband and I decided long ago that children were not in our future. I think if you and your hubby have talked and are genuinely honest with each other, do what's best for you. Not everyone has to have children. If it is a fear thing though, that may require more discussion.
I'm repeating but I have to comment. I have 2 kids...there are days I just as soon sell them to the highest bidder. But I love them and really wouldn't trade them for the world. However, there are days I mourn the life that COULD'VE been if I weren't hunkered down with kiddos. I think either choice - childless or childful (I don't think that's really a word) can be fulfilling and happy. Different strokes for different folks.
Your sister...I would just be loud and obnoxious and ask her how much longer she's going to make you wait to become an aunt. I think she'll get the hint.
Thanks so much for the recommendation! I have contacted her to see what was involved with getting a makeover (before she went public) but was putting it off until after getting settled and back to work (even though she has very reasonable prices, every penny counts at the moment!). So, again, THANKS!!!
As for the baby blues, I get them occasionally as well. I have one, and I'm blessed because of that one I have. I'm not "aloud" to have any more for medical reasons. I have a 75% chance of miscarriage, and would be consider a high risk pregnancy if I were to carry beyond the first trimester. So I am very blessed with the "miracle baby" I have. However, I understand your feelings on the subject, and since your such a good friend, I am willing to loan you mine for the summer months. That way you will get a really good feeling of what your in store for after they grow out of the cutsy baby stages! No need to thank me, thats what friends are for ;)
As for your sister, if you don't want to let it out that your mom and friend came to you, maybe approach it from a different angle. Say something like "hey, when you gonna give me a niece/nephew to spoil?" You know, half joking, but in a serious way. Something to at least get on topic, so that you can let her know your completely fine with it.
I am soo excited for Chicago, roomie!
As far as the baby blues...there's no rush. You're still young! You have plenty of time to get down a bit lower, then re-evaluate. It's so good that you and Chris are being open and honest with each other. And I like all the suggestions for broaching the topic with your sister...just be honest with her, and you'll both be relieved.
I wonder if you are afraid to get your hopes up about having a baby and have it not turn out again. I know I would be if I'd had two miscarriages. Maybe the thing to do is just see what happens. Don't plan to get pregnant, but don't do anything to prevent it. And then see how it goes.
I wish you all the best no matter what you decide!
Wish I could join y'all in Chicago!! Maybe next year!
I also wish I had brilliant words of wisdom regarding the baby blues. But since I don't, I will just say this. It sounds like you are very self aware with your head firmly on straight, so my advise to control what you can and roll with what you can't!
My kids are the greatest blessing of my life, but I never even thought I wanted kids. It was VERY unexpected when the first one came along, so I learned real quick to just play the hand life dealt me with no regrets.
Keeping you in my thoughts!!
The kid question is complex for everyone. I was your age when we finally decided to try for a baby. We were very lucky and had no problems conceiving, but I know having issues adds another element to the decision. I don't know if you can ever fully prepare for the changes a child brings - mostly good- and it's one of the few things in life that is really an unknown.
Good luck with the decision process. I'm here if you ever need to talk.
Well, you know that I am in the same boat as you. I got the lapband because I had 3 miscarriages for no explainable reason-- the best the fertility specialist could do was tell me to get the lapband, lose the weight, and then maybe we'd be successful.
So I got the lapband and lost a lot of the weight. Our plan was to maybe try this summer. And then this summer came and we realize-- we think we'd like to stay childless after all.
It wasn't a quick decision. I think my husband has been here for longer than I have, as evidenced by his complete lack of interest in adoption when I was looking into that after our last miscarriage. I've been keeping the door open in my own mind, until I have finally realized that I love our lives just as they are. I love our marriage and how strong it is and I know that it would deteriorate with a child added to the mix, especially given my husband's work hours (the studies on marital satisfaction are very very clear about this).
When my friends bring over their boys, 4 all under the age of 4, I am wide eyed and terrified and I consider them good kids with very good parents. They just suck all of the energy out of you. When I think about how I go where I want, when I want, without having to worry about scheduling around a child's schedule; how I can spend money on what I want to spend money on because I don't have the expense of a child-- I realize I really really really like how we live.
Now, I know that if we got pregnant by accident, I'd be happy to change my life to include a child and we'd be great parents. But, I am 99% sure that it would have to be an accident at this point because we've talked about it and we are pretty sure we're not going to try again after all.
I'm just saying-- there is a lot of pressure to have kids in this society. So definitely, if you want them, don't let the fear of another miscarriage stand in your way. But, as one thoughtful infertile (thus far) woman to another, I just want to say that I totally understand and respect the fact that this process might have made you rethink the place of kids in your life. It is a totally valid choice to remain childless if that's what you want.
Lots of hugs, girlie!
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