Let me explain.
We got together with our other dear friend in Asheville for dinner and drinks and then staying downtown in a lovely hotel! I was so excited about going. Martinis and great conversations. Yummy food and nice clothes!
It started out really really lovely. We started with basil martinis, a local cheese and jam board and beautiful weather. The rapture was about 15 minutes away so down town was a buzz with interesting characters waiting for us all to blow up..or something. There was a Comic book convention going on so there were other types of interesting characters roaming the streets. Our friend Erin met us there half way in. So now there are four girls! All close friends. Again..lovely.
We exchanged pleasantries. Chit Chatted. Ya know the normal stuff. Then we started talking about their kids. All three ladies other then me were mothers. I love all of their kids and families. All three professionals trying to be moms and homemakers and just learning how life with kids is. I appreciate it. Fully.
We move on from there to our next dinner spot. Conversation continued...about their children. Whom I love remember. I'd get asked a question and I swear as soon as I would answer the server would arrive or a husband would text with a picture of their kids doing something cute...or some sort of interruption and we'd never go back to the topic on which I could talk about. Back to kids. I really started to zone out. I wasn't trying to be rude. But I just had nothing..NOTHING to add to the conversation at all. Please understand that I don't want these ladies to change. Their kids are a huge portion of their lives and perhaps I am the one who is in the wrong for even assuming it would be different. But it was just so damn boring for me. I enjoy it for small periods of time but for 3-4 hours I just felt very much removed from the group.
Then: we start taking pictures. My two girlfriends know that i have had surgery. Supportive and wonderful they both are. The third lady does not. She would be supportive but it just isn't something that she really needs to know. But ANYWAY...we take pictures and we start passing the digital around so we can see how great of a pic it is of us four. This we really where my night felt ruined.
I see the picture and instantly I am devastated. I have lost 50lbs and I can see nothing. No change...my face looks the same..my body looks the same. Everything. My confidence that i have had is deflated and I want to cry. I make an awful comment about how I look the same in ever picture and Erin (the girl who doesn't know about surgery) says we all do unless we do something drastic like dye our hair or lose tons of weight...and I jokingly say "Like losing 50lbs??!!" ha haa. She says..is that how much you've lost? Wow, way to go, you do look great Amanda. Thanks Erin, I feel good too. She proceeds to say that the perception we have of ourselves is often very wrong compared to what people see. Which is very true. It doesn't change the fact that my heart just sunk. Cue the child talking again.
I know. I really know...that we have a strange perception of ourselves. When I was my biggest, I never though I was big. Now that I am obviously smaller I don't see it. I feel it most days but I don't see it. When will I feel and see it? I have another 50lbs to lose. Will I see it then?
I am a confident person.
Most of the time. This weekend I was not. I seriously cried myself (quietly) to sleep. I am mega embarrassed about that. My saint of a husband texted back and forth with me and offered to drive the 1.15 hours to pick me up. That would be silly and I will be just fine. But I wanted him to know how much I appreciated that he knew I was hurting and he would try and fix it. Hell I want to cry now just thinking of him wanting to do that for me.
All this being said: I started my period yesterday morning so my hormones are off and that is probably why I have continued to be so weepy.
As regards to the whole baby constant conversation. I know I was being selfish and detached. But I can't help how I feel. I will try and be better because it is doubtful to change. And I love these girls. So I need to change.
~
Friday, Chris and I are going to the beach for a few days over a week. With my weekend being a shambles I really really really need some time away. We expect nothing when we go on vacation. We roll with the punches and seriously decompress. No TV...we read and eat seafood...and I drink bloody marys. Glorious!
One last thing! This Stella.and.Dot jewelry line I am selling has really really done well! I've had three parties this first month and I am thrilled with the results. I hope i can keep it up!
12 comments:
Awww Amanda. I wish I knew what to say but I have the same problem. I'm 35 lbs less than last year but I don't think I look much different. I definitely FEEL better. The other day I was cleaning out old clothes and came across a pair of pants that I wore last summer (2 sizes bigger) and then I was like, "Wow!" I held them up and was shocked at how much bigger 2 sizes is. Maybe you should whip out your starting pants size and then you'll see how far you've come.
As for your friends, I don't think YOU need to change. I think they were being a little insensitive and should have not gone on AND ON about a topic you weren't able to join in on as much. It's natural to feel left out---you were left out! I'm sure they didn't mean to though and I'm sure they love you.
I'm sorry your weekend sucked! I hope your vacation is perfect!
Awwww, lots of hugs to you!!! I totally understand where you are coming from. I have a hard time with pregnant people who complain about how awful pregnancy is all the time. I just want to jump up and down and ask them if they realize how lucky they are. Sigh.
Your vacation will be a great break for you!!!
(((huggs))))
I am so sorry for your discomfort this weekend. I blame the hormones! when you pair that with a subject you are sensitive about anyway (only because you so long to be a part of that "mommy click"). I am a big baby when I am hormonal (um, like right now).
I feel like I am constantly talked over all the time. Not really the same situation with you, where an interruption (from the wait staff) causes the conversation to go in a different direction. I think people just find me boring and talk over me....
Your husband is super sweet for having volunteered to come get you like that. He sounds super great.
I agree that you should drag out the beginner pants, that'll make you feel better on the weight front! I still see myself as just as heavy. I only have 37 (I think) pounds left to lose, and when I look at my body now I don't see how that is going to be enough. I feel like I have at least 60-70 more to go (of course realistically I could never lose that much more, but my mind doesn't visualize that!).
Hope your mood improves!
I have two kids and often talk about them, but I agree that your friends were being rude. When I hang out with friends w/o children, I would never go on and on. It also must have been obvious that you weren't having fun. Shame on your friends for not having connected brain cells in that moment!
As for the pictures, I've had that happen too. I have felt attractive and confident and then seen a pic and realized I didn't look as good as I thought. It happened to me on Easter. I'm glad you have your sweet husband and that you're going to do something fun soon!
Hugs, hugs, hugs! I totally get it and I'm sorry.
Yes, we perceive ourselves differently and yes, we probably have changed, but when you feel badly, you feel badly. I hate it for you.
That said, keep your chin up. This too will pass and you will keep going forward (and down!) and eventually your mind will catch up. It just takes time. Love and hugs, sweet girl!
I am right there with you about being with friends who have children. I don't have anything against kids, there are many kids in the world that I enjoy :) But I have chosen not to have any myself and it is absolutely frustrating when that is the only topic of conversation among a group of friends.
I don't think you were wrong at all. Think about if you were with a different group of ladies, and 3 out of the 4 of you were banded. And all you talked about was your experiences with the band and surgery and what issues you've had or things you've experienced. I'm pretty positive that the non-banded friend would be bored silly too! I agree with Amanda K that your friends were insensitive to your feelings, although I'm sure it wasn't intentional.
Hang in there! 50 pounds is AMAZING!
First of all, congrats on being 50 pounds down! What a huge loss! You know, I have noticed that pictures can be really deceiving. Seriously! So put your favorite outfit on and take a better picture! Also, if you haven't in a while, consider having you and your hubby's picture taken together by a fun non-studio photographer. They can really bring out the personality in your relationship, while taking the pictures that really show off your slimmed down figure. And you can show off your English, super tall, red headed man!
Hi girl, I don't have kids either so I totally get when people are completely in parent mode and seem to monopolize the conversation. I hate to make my friends think that I don't care about their kids, but I do dislike when the entire conversation from beginning to end is kids.
Also - if you have any pictures that are from 50 pounds ago - I'd like you to compare them to the photos you took last night. I BET you'll see a difference.
Listen, don't feel guilty about zoning out during the kid-talk marathon. When you're not in the thick of it, it just isn't interesting. Even when you are in the thick of it, it still isn't all that interesting sometimes; it's just the major event in your life so that's what you have to talk about. You're not being selfish. It's not unreasonable to want to talk about what else is happening in the world and in your life once you've exchanged basic pleasantries and oohed at a couple kid pictures. Don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm so sorry you were upset when you saw the photos. I had a similar experience recently, and was so upset to see how bad my double chin still is and how much bigger I still look than normal-size people. I wish I had great advice for you, but I don't. It did help me to remember that I've come a long way from where I was, and I'm not done yet (no matter how slowly things are going right now...). Hang in there!
I'm so sorry no one noticed, 50 pounds is a huge change. I commented a long time ago that it's hard when you are losing weight, you don't want to make people crazy talking about it, but you still want them to notice, comment, be impressed.
As a mom among a group of non-moms I have endured the opposite end of that conversation nightmare, where they are talking about going out, last minute vacations and buying new shoes. I sometimes feel very out of place with my house and kids and hubby and vacations that consist of going to visit family cause we can sleep in their basement.
OK...I can't really add anything to what the other ladies said but I'm gonna ramble anyway. Your friends were the ones who were wrong. When I hang out with my friends who don't have kids, I answer the obligatory question they ask about how they're doing but that's it. The rest of the time is all about other things. I think it says something about them that they're totally consumed by it that they can't talk about anything else. I talk politics, current events, pop culture (sorta - don't ask me anything about justin beiber...I know nothing about him), or even the weather if that's what it comes to. It was very sweet of your hubby to offer to get you.
As for the self image. I've lost 50 lbs and I don't really see it either. However, go back and look at pics from a year ago. You'll see the difference! It's just harder day to day. You've made amazing progress but I know sometimes it's hard to see it.
The upcoming vacay with your hubby sounds awesome! I'd love to get away but with unpacking and hubby getting banded next week...there's nothing in the forseeable future. *sigh* So jealous.
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